Change of tempo.

A change of tempo. J. had shifted his site to somewhere else. Finally. It's a complete makeover and he hates changes. However , this is evitable. Ebloggy has been a good host but it has been giving him too much problems lately. Their downtime is often and unpredictable , it looks like J. could do with a new site and so he did. Any entries after tonight will be posted over to his new site. Do check it out at http://ifuonlyknow.blogspot.com , hope u like the new layout thou. Have a nice evening guys. Sorry for any inconvience caused. I've clean up everything else as some morons are spamming my tagboard and screwing it.


J. at 11/09/06 3:56 PM | 0 comments

Disconnect.

Disconnect me of my broken wings and rust
Let the plague overwhelm me
Condemning me in the list of the fallens
Isolated from the world

Try to fix me not
For I am meant to stand alone in the darkness
Among the shadows
Tainting everywhere I walk along

Let me walk alone
The dark as my friend
The light be afraid of me
And you cannot get to me in my realm

We shall come to a truce
I will rule all darkness
You the light
And there will be no compromise

Disconnect me from this cruel world
That I failed to understand of
Those sick games people play
Where conscious is no longer a word they write of

In this place where I have long been disconnected from


"Why can't people in love stay together?"

J. at 07/09/06 1:41 AM | 0 comments

Destiny.

Note: This is the first part of Love will tear us apart, for Jon's sake. For full size glory : http://img301.imageshack.us/img301/9950/lovewilltearusapartic5.jpg 
and prehaps you might wonder, why is the title Destiny instead ? Guess there's some explaining to do ya ? Well , let's start off with when someone told J. that everyone on this world has a certain destiny meant for them. Some singers, some writer , some photographers and etc. At first, it didn't really make much sense to him. Destiny and what we do. Hm. Doesn't seem so , some people don't like what they are doing don't they ? But then again , if everyone is working as a corporate or industry slave. Who the hell is gonna draw , make music and do movies? Everyone must be doing something and others something else. So, what determines who does what? Maybe his friend is right after all. Destiny decides. Go figure.
J. at 03/09/06 1:29 PM | 0 comments

Seek.

All of my life
I have been seeking
Been confused
Lost in between of nowhere
Just to get to you
You of all my eternity
The reaper of my soul
Sunlight of the flower fields
And everything else I once seek
Now and forever
Forever and now
You are the closest to heaven I can get
And I don't want to close my eyes now
For fearing that I will lose you
I will give up anything
Just to make this moment last
Everything is completed now with you
And I don't need to go home no more
For this is where I seek
And you are all that I need
Tell me please
That you will stay by me
Until the end of our song

Note: J. has written this for all those whom hate his darker side and for his dear whom called him an morbid asshole. This is specially for you; dear. And so much for talking to me nicely Candice. =)
J. at 30/08/06 3:07 PM | 0 comments

Oh hell.

"Just because everyone else is falling in love doesn't mean everyone have to do it?"

I don't see the point of people falling in love and fall out of love. Then they start hating sad movies, get sick of hearing love songs. Soon , forever became a word too far for them and endless is the word of sorrow they read. Then it struck me, falling in love is just human nature isn't it ? Our basic instinct to date and make our bloodline carry on. So let me set it straight. Can I put science with love then ? But then again I remember someone told me if love is rational , it ain't love. Just because everyone else is falling in love doesn't mean everyone have to do it ? What's the point of falling in love and make yourself sorrow in the end? Is this just a scam of human being trying to reproduce and they're playing a mating game? Because I seriously do not get the point of trying so many times and get disappointed as much but yet unwilling to give up. What's with people anyway?

I don't reckon I'm the only one with such thoughts though. So let me guess , you're gonna correct me with; 'You don't know till you try." and "You make it sound like falling in love is wrong, it's sweet too you know?" OK. Point taken but still my point is no, it's not WRONG to fall in love but it's like people are not taking it seriously? It's like the moment they met someone better they'll give up all the "He/She's the only one in my life" and "I'll love you forever baby" reasons back to where they came from. So , what happened to those reasons you provide to try correcting me? Where did those reasons go? Hell , it's just some lousy excuses people are providing. And at times when everyone is doing something and you're not the one doing it , you're the odd one out. Haven't they ever thought that might make you special and not odd? Anyway , that's just my 2 cent worth and I guess you might think I'm weird anyway.

I reckon everything had to have a conclusion, so here's mine. Let me get it straight then. It's not wrong to fall in love but yet people are cheating on each other? So , is it a problem with falling in love or is it just people ? Because I don't see falling in love as problems with animals or maybe just because I can't read their call signs. Eventually , I've come to a conclusion that some people just sucks. Sorry that I had put you through a "few" lines just to get to this. I should have just stuck it in the first few lines anyway.

Note: In no personal view of J. If you find it offending. Sue me.
J. at 27/08/06 7:14 AM | 0 comments

Untitled

Ask me not why I do not do happiness
For I hate to dig my deeply drained well
To salvage that little bit of what's left
So scarce till there's none to dwell upon

The spade of memories kept digging my deserted soil
Hoping to seek presence of happiness
But I disappoint it
Time and time again

Many times too often
I shed tears of miseries
Wanting to keep my well a little damp
Just enough to keep those memories vivid

Ponder me not about the days of un-emptiness
Where Sundays never seem gloomy
So I can actually close my eyes to sleep
Days where the rain never felt cold

Understand me why I choose to stand alone in the darkness
Against the world so twisted
So corrupted that truth is never really how words can put it
Wanting to see for myself how I can prove it wrong
And that all is not lost

Yet again
I could never

Those leaves falling from your tree
Swearing they have seen better days
And decided it's time to leave
To depart from this world we all failed to interpret.



Note: Sorry , this did not have a title. I couldn't come out with one. Maybe the closest will be self-explainary but I understand that that will mean simple to read but this is none of it and I have decided to take the Shakespearic approach. Words will only be words to those who do not feel them. Well , one more thing. These are meant to be on the previous entry but somehow I left them out , perhaps you wanted to see. Here's it.

In the world where men fell for men
Girls rather be with girls
And everybody can't tell who's who nowadays
Am I the odd one out actually ?

Lastly; Dear. Take whatever pics you want to, I'll give you special permission for it.

J. at 24/08/06 1:20 PM | 0 comments

Twisted Fairytales

I will read you a story
A story about this world
This sick world
Sick world

Where people are turning pedophilia
Where wars never stop
Where people no longer care 
Where kindness is a word too little

All the fairytales
They starts spinning
Of how many they laid
And how much jewels they have kept

All the twisted fable
And the lies they have told
The love they cheated on
That person they have dumped

I'm starting to wonder
Where did all those fairytales
We once love
Once knew; went to ?

I guess those fairytales were just fakes
And the only tales I see now
Are those twisted fairytales
That everyone has one or two to tell

Note: EJ , there you have it. Twisted fairytales. Fairytales in adults world does not ever exist. These are all the tales we spin.
J. at 22/08/06 4:03 AM | 0 comments

I'm Alone

Note: Maybe it's that Godsmack song, "I stand alone" i've been listening to or i just needed an excuse to paint. For full size glory : http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/2088/malonezm9.jpg
J. at 18/08/06 3:46 PM | 0 comments

Home

I just want to lie on the field
Under the October sun
Soak myself to the skin
Running in the pouring rain
Stand on top of those hills
Shouting your name hundred times
And how much I miss you
Every now and then
I will hug the tree where we met
Say a prayer under it
Wishing you well
Whereever you are
I will sing you those songs I wrote
While you were gone
Of promises we vowed never to break
Please come back home soon

J. at 15/08/06 4:19 AM | 0 comments

Antidote

"It's so freaking sick to hear that you still miss me after all the lies you put me through, do you actually miss lying to me? "

Leave me alone
Let me stand in the darkness
Reminiscing about the days we were meant
Of the million lies
You kept complicated
So none of us will find out
And how much it hurts then
It hurts now
Sick and tired
Of closing my eyes every time a sad show is on
To be reminded of my own past
Tears that you dropped
When you are the one deceiving me
Yet I'm so dumb
So fucking dumb
To believe it all
I'm even willingly to die for you then
It all makes sense now
If only I'm rational enough to realise before
But yet
Yet you're the one
The one antidote that get me by

J. at 13/08/06 7:50 AM | 0 comments

Liquid Courage

"A reminder that life's a big struggle and I'm bounded to them"

I can't remember when or who asked me this but I didn't really give him the answer that other time. It's that question that maybe nobody really wants to know or didn't think much of it. You see, I have these plastic barb wires that i often wore around my wrist. It's black. At a first glance , you might think I wore it for fashion. I would tell you yes and no. I did and I did not. One of my fave piano player of all time Maksim, wore it once during his performance and I thought it's kinda cool. Ever since then, I've been wanting to get one. Ok , maybe you think I'm into Maksim cause he's kinda cool and he plays piano pieces in a, let's just say fast-tempo fashion. Not really everyone's cup of classical tea but I need to tell you I'm not really that into his pieces. It's not that he's no good but I admire the way he does his pieces, in a way that reaches out to me. It's the vibe, his way of expressing his music in a unusual dark manner. If you ever read up upon him , you will realise that he's into rock as well. Alright, that's for the fashion part of my barb wires. Now, I'm gonna tell you the other reason I have never told anybody before. Those barb wires on my wrist , they're a reminder to myself. A reminder that life's a big struggle and I'm bounded to them. And we are constantly in pain. Dying inside. These are all what my art are made of, struggles of life. Picture , drama and people in my works epic of some struggle in our life. Struggling to get out, struggling to submit to the pain etc. It's what I wanted to reach out to people about. What life will never teach you in a easy way. It's never a easy task going through all these but I'm always reminded that this is part and parcel of life and we will pull it through.

And everyday is a new beginning.

J. at 08/08/06 2:01 PM | 0 comments

Again

I've been searching for you
I heard a cry within my soul
I never had a yearning quite like this before
Now that you are walking right through my door

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll see you again
And if that day comes.
I know we could somehow
I wonder if i'll ever see you again

Kenny Kravitz


"Perhaps I needed another reason in my life"

J. at 07/08/06 4:01 AM | 0 comments

What's left of us.

"Perhaps I should try to fall out of love with art and fall in love with love ; once."

Note: Jess, looks like it's your last night here. I hate sad departures so i'm not gonna make this harder for u either. Girl , do take good care of yourself. I'll see u in 4 yrs time, hopefully. And dear, you made my day. Einstein with apple tree ? What will I do without you ?
For full size glory : http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/2434/sleftofusat8.jpg

J. at 03/08/06 2:47 PM | 0 comments

Take

Give me a minute of your time
I will take you to a place
Where you never knew existed

Give me a moment of your life
I am going to bring life
Into where you cease to breath

'Cause you gave me 
A reason in my life
A moment in my time
And memories to last a lifetime

J. at 31/07/06 5:38 AM | 0 comments

Untitled

Yes, i'm a dreamer.
For a dreamer is one
Who can find his way into the moonlight
And see the dawn before the rest of the world

Oscar Wilde.

Note: Fustrated. Very.
J. at 28/07/06 3:35 PM | 0 comments

What hurts the most.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house,
that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone
Still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again i pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go
But i'm doin it
It's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret

But i know if i could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart that i left unspoken

What hurts the most, is being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away
And never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what i was tryin to do

not seein that lovin you
that's what I was tryin to do

Note: Song from Rascal Flatts - What hurts the most.

So , I did watch Superman Returns eventually. It's not that bad. And Jesslyn, it's nice seeing u again , guess I won't be seeing u for a long while after today ? I'm sure gonna miss u a little. Thou I didn't expect Superman to have an adverse effect on me, I was expecting to watch my childhood hero back in full glory. Nevertheless, it's nothing to do with Jesslyn. It's just some scenes in it, seem way too familiar for comfort. Never knew about the part of the story about Louis either. Feels like to me , departure will alway changes a lot of things. Things u never thought will. And blessing the one u once love to someone else is never really a easy task. Will never ever be.
J. at 25/07/06 1:02 PM | 0 comments

Run

I had a dream. In the dream ,  I was running. Running in the field. Chasing after a kite for you. Shouting I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Screaming it aloud ten times. Shouting on top of my voice so that you can hear me. I love you tenfold. Thousand fold even. I caught the kite and saw you. Saw you smiling in front of me. Smiling with a sunflower in your hands. You handed me your flower and I gave you my kite. You asked if I would hold your hand? I said I would. Always. Always; my princess.

I had a dream again. In the dream , you were my princess. I was the knight in the not-so-shinning amour. It was faded. Tainted. Corrupted with something red. You were smiling , reading me a storybook. A storybook of love stories. We were happy. happy for a while. Happy for months. And War broke. In a state of confusion , I lost you. Lost you to the war. Lost you in the struggling battle. But I found you. Found you amidst the lost crowds. Trying to revive the poor victims. I was running to you. Running in a panic state. Running through the chaos. SCREAMING your name. Until an arrow struck me. Struck me hard. My vision blurred. I saw you right in front of me. Crying. Shedding tears for your falling knight. I asked. If you would hold my hand princess? Always. You said. Always; my knight.

You told me you had a dream. A dream about us. A dream about a fallen knight and a dying princess. They turned into a pair of dolphins. AND? I asked. That's that. You said. I held your hands and felt the need to protect you. You asked if I would save a dying princess. I smiled. Always. Always; you will always be my princess.

"Your beauty is like the roses in my hands; withering."
J. at 23/07/06 3:25 AM | 0 comments

Love will tear us apart 2.

Note: Perhaps you might be wondering where's part 1 ? There is a part 1 but J. has shown it to some of them so he didn't post it up here. In case you've never noticed, this one is with black borders. Most of J.'s works are. Hope u like this one. For full size glory : http://img152.imageshack.us/img152/2926/lovewilltearusapart2kj1.jpg

J. at 20/07/06 2:32 AM | 0 comments

All the small things

Hey baby, I wanna say hi to you first. Thank you for making my day a little sweeter that morning. You kick start my morning with your usual cute self even though you told me you're kinda bored during lectures. It's nice hearing from you. Seriously. I have been so preoccupied lately , I think I haven't heard from you for the longest while. Man, all these watercoloring stuff been keeping my mind so full lately. OK , maybe not all of it but yeah , my brain cells were pretty busy with something else all the time. Somehow, in the middle of these all I realised there's a lot of small things around me that matters a lot. AND my old friend Min , you're probably right about flawless imperfections. During my slow , painful process of learning watercolor all over again , it's like when I first started to draw. The agony of doing it over and over again and trying to learn from the start is killing me slowly. Yet your words seem to reach out to me this afternoon and I was all so wrong , so wrong. As you know me min, I've been a pencil artist almost all of my drawing life. It's like, ever since I started drawing ? If not for dear Miss S. , I might have stayed that way. But what I was wrong about watercolor was it has to be perfect, like how I like my pencil drawings. Tuned to as perfect as my skills allowed me to. I've forgotten that watercolor is more like a nature painting medium and meant to be fast and flawed, not flawless. It's the flaws that make it a pretty picture, a piece of art. It's watercolor man , not photographs. ARH, finally it got to me. I was pretty much too focus and determined to picture perfect my watercolor painting till I fail to realise that it's the flaws about watercolor that makes it beautiful. Perhaps, that is what that's called beautiful tragedy? I'm not saying a painting should be done in a random way and totally mess up , I meant it should include a little bit of everything including a bit of mess. Look , think about all these clearly in your head for a while. Haven't all these small things in our life goes a long way in our life ? Because of that slight less suckier morning I had, more inspirations came to me and I was able to think clearer about my painting just because somebody made my day that morning. My point is , it's strange how little things can matter a lot to us and it's all these small things that make us what we are now. Bless yourself today for being able to receive small little things every now and then and tell yourself, they do make a difference. They do.

"My world has been colorless until I met you."

J. at 06/07/06 4:18 PM | 0 comments

Please don't leave me.

Note: One of J.'s oldest concept work that never really came up to anything else. Just feel like posting it here somehow. Meant for Lesmisery series which will be posted here soon. Full view here please. http://img120.imageshack.us/img120/8975/tleaveme7nm.jpg

J. at 03/07/06 5:09 PM | 0 comments

Forever.

Perhaps sometime before we knew it, we stopped believing in a thing call forever. For one moment, I doubted my ability to understand language, to decipher the meaning of 'forever'.

I thought I was dreaming, lost in wonderland. I saw us together, laughing at our own silliness and I was trying -trying so hard to make you smile. The circus we were in seem so out of place, yet somehow it looks so beautiful under the hazy sunset, or was it you? You told me how pretty and sweet the balloons were, especially those heart shape ones. Wanting to make you smile, to see your world brighten up, I bought all of it. Every single balloon Mr. Clown was selling. Carrying it around in your embrace, you told me you wanted to see it set free and let it go. I smiled and you were gone.

Where did you go?  

I fell asleep again. I dreamt I was in that same circus again, talking to you and I was telling you that I'm yours forever yet you couldn't quite hear me in that rollercoaster ride. Or did you choose not to hear it? I do not know. We were running around like kids and we laughed at our own silly jokes and you told me again how pretty and sweet those balloons seem. Can I have them? You said. But this time round, I only have the money for one and I bought the only one I could afford for you. Ironically, you seem happier this time. You told me you will treasure this balloon, keeping it by your side for as long as you could, never to let it go. You smiled sweetly at me and said:"is forever an equation?" I couldn't answer. You whispered gently in my ears, can you keep all of what you want or just one of it that you didn't knew would last?  I awaken again, knowing it's for real and you were gone.  

Gone forever.

J. at 01/07/06 2:45 PM | 0 comments

Love will tear us apart.

We get so sick of all these miseries, of the world failing to stay awake because the sun and the moon are still alive. Like snow attracted to the ground like magnets, falling in place like it's so supposed to. The leaf fading away from the tree and be gone forever for good, which we can never ever be. Does life ask too much of us or do we ourselves?

That cold unfamiliar sensation stays for as long as it deems, the bleeding never seem to cease. It feels like something is dying inside. That very something that make us fell, fell so deeply we cannot forget nor remember so. Can't you see we are dying? But darling you never cease to amaze, like that same old Richard Ashcroft's song that you kept repeating in your player is killing me softly with its melodramatic tune. This fire will never stop, hath no fury like ours. As if these haunting roots of your tree stop embracing the essence of my soil, the jungle will burn. Perhaps what we need is what we refuse to admit, that- that very word stuck in us for ages. We need to think this through but somehow words seem to fail us. I can't hear what you don't want to see me speak of, every unspoken word is like a great 20^th century mystery and after a decade of influences, we lost the ability to embrace. STOP. You said you want it to stop. But, -but stop what? That's the problem the dream man mock, the gods given up upon and I failed to realize. This is just all oh-so-appassionato, a forever-thingy that's so compromised, short-changed and scrap within. Unlike Shakespeare, W.Blake, people just don't see the beauty of words made for a purpose, lines of sorrow written only the miserables only understand of. So much and so little. So much and so little of. In denial, I embark on the sole mission to the moon, to be the first and the last, to see how pathetic we all are from above. Sounds slip like music fallen from a toy box, my pitiful attempt amuse you. Like what you once said we should do is probably too right. Hide. Hide away you said. We just want to hide away from this ugly world, stay in our self-composed heaven. Right in the arms of our own cold touch, away from human affection, deprived of everything warmth. Can't you see this is all we want? What you really want to? Paradise so sweet, that the gods are jealous, so surrealistic yet so simple. We must have been lost in transition and that love abandons us, deeming us criminals for eternity. Does our pact to slit and be together forever still valid? What is sweet my darling? Sweet; the taste of that piece of brown stick called chocolate, or that hand of the first lover you longed? Is that it? Because we don't know anymore, what's once wrong is right, bitter once sweet, happy when it's sorrow. To find warmth in someone else's giving, is this the beginning of all endings? Give me a reason, just any, any to justify what love has not written. And I have this feeling I'll die of a broken heart, so shattered no one can fix. This morbid thinking just kept haunting me, depriving me of my dreams; my sleep. I can't stop wondering if love will tear us apart? But if it didn't, what would? God please tell me.

Note: J. did wrote this somehow, it's been a long week for him and he wishes everyone else have a peaceful week ahead.

J. at 26/06/06 5:57 AM | 0 comments

Angel

Note: J. has not much drawing to post lately. It's been watercolor practice, anatomy , work , watercolor , anatomy , work and PSP everyday. This gonna take a while.

J. at 20/06/06 2:40 PM | 0 comments

Uneasy Rider

She is the rain,
waits in it for you,
find blood spotting between her legs
from the long ride

Diane Wakoski - 'Uneasy Rider'
J. at 14/06/06 2:44 PM | 0 comments

Two right people in the wrong place

I was a boy
Wondering about the world
What lies beyond us all
In a never ending quest seeking answers
Until I met love

Love did not answer me
Instead It make me stop asking
It changes everything
The way we see it
How we feel about it

She was a girl
Of pure innocence and snow white
Raised in a pampered environment
Never knowing what the world is like
Until She met love

Love did not taint her
It make her wanting more
Showing her the way of the world
How sweet roses smell
That chocolates are not all bitter

I am a boy
She is a girl
Of different status and upbringing
But met in the same place; time
How we fell
We didn't know

I am never the same since I met her
She is always smiling in my presence
Our love is like a tiny plant
Unable to withstand the harsh conditions
So weak yet so strong

We used to have so much to talk about
Why is the sky always so blue
How I love the rain
That green is the prettiest color
But we short-lived

She is now a woman
I am now a man
She say she must leave
I am too stubborn to stop her
But how can all these be so wrong now?

We must have been in the wrong place for too long

J. at 08/06/06 1:49 AM | 0 comments

St. Sebastian

Note: I sketch this off a book in the library featuring statues from rome museum , libraries and stuff. If you ask me , I do not know who st. sebastian is. It's written that this is suppose to be him and I sketch this off for my anatomy studies and thought it might be kinda cool to post it up. Sadly if I disappointed anyone but THIS is definely not part of the Da Vinci Code craze. You could pretty much notice the amount of books about it nowadays. Anyway , hope you like this.
J. at 02/06/06 1:26 PM | 0 comments

Forgive Me..

J. at 30/05/06 4:18 AM | 0 comments

Protective

The title says it all.
Just a sketch from 2 weeks ago , someone has seen it thou.
J. at 27/05/06 4:05 AM | 0 comments

The Turn

I don't know why but I haven't been doing anything much lately. Yes, you may have realized that I have written nothing and drawn nothing in recent days. It's not that I'm lazy nor am I in some kind of artist block or something. It's just that you know, I'm in the middle of learning something new now. It's going to take a while before you can actually something out of it. After all, my world has been in black and white for a long while. Maybe you would like to question me a little, asking me what's with this color thing I've been talking about. Just give me some time, will you not? I'll prove to you its worthy, worthy of every single bit of effort I put into it. I can ALMOST see it. Almost. You do believe that nothing comes without hardwork don't you? Even though I've not been doing anything much and posting only some entry about myself but I finished a book during this 'break' time. Something crossed my mind suddenly. No, don't get me wrong, I'm not that love story kind of guy. I'm just wondering you know when people are in love. Why do they come with all sorts of excuses for that another person? Say for example, you've been calling this guy for an hour and he's not answering it. You might think he's like in some sort of meeting, sleeping; or even working or something. However lousy the excuse you gave yourself, does it ever occur to you that you're just giving that another person an excuse to get away? I'm not being sexist here or something. The same scenario may apply to females as well. Why so? WHY do people in love provide reasons and all sort of excuses for the people they love, even though deep down inside they knew they might have been made a fool? Is that what they say about love been irrational? Or perhaps love was never a rational thing? Let's just face it, we're just all giving excuses for things to happen but yet we're willing to be foolish. Can anyone clear my doubts then? Till I can come out with more appealing painting; this is all I have for you guys this week.

They say their love is blinded
I ask the meaning of being blind
What is it like to feel and not see
They replied with a gentle smile
Love is meant to be felt
Not to be seen

J. at 23/05/06 4:59 AM | 0 comments

Till the end.

"The dreams you seek are those that are never real, it's time to wake up; now."

So I did, the hard way. It's like two tight slaps across my face and a fall off my bed. That might spell ouch, if you do feel pain. This time it's real, I'm telling it like it's my story, not like a third party telling J.'s story. I'm telling mine. Let's just put it this way, it's like the devil knocking on my door, tempting me to answer it. The knocking is so intense that it's like the tempo of my heartbeat. Thump, thump. The voices within are urging me to get it. Answer it. It said. Carrine, I know, I know what I have been telling you but please give me the benefits of the doubt, I didn't shit talk you. I went to answer the devil's door, not to ask for a trade but to declare war. Now, it's against me. You know, the Devil and I. Not really quite on a good term now. I'm not saying we had a pact before all these or something like that, I'm just saying that sometimes, some things are never meant to be. Not even trading your soul to the devil helps and so I face it. Right in my face, answer that knocking on my door, curse the motherfucker and tell him this is the end. Today; right here, right now. You might want to ask, what's the reason for writing all these down? I want you to see, all of you, to bear witness that this faithful day DID happen. Even though I a-l-m-o-s-t fell to its spell, almost taken by it. I'm telling you, one lady can do more harm than ever. Not every lady though, I still owe the one whom bought colors to my world. I should at least be fair to her right? What is fair in this world anyway? For all of you whom thought you knew what I'm talking about or I'm sounding like some sore loser whining over my lost love, so be it. You judge not by one's cover. You'll understand this entry if you do knew me in real life, not here. Not this pitch black darkness called cyber space. One last summer, one last chance, one last stab at romance like that good old rainmaker song, one last summer. It looks like romance took one last stab at me instead. HAHA. How terribly ironic all these seem to be. Smile with me please. I'll end this with a note for the thinkers.

God may not always give us answer, but he always gives us grace.

J. at 16/05/06 3:03 PM | 0 comments

Cry for me please.

Those stupid love songs
Just aren't sad any more
Daybreak and dawn
Are just filled with heartache
Romantic is a word I cannot spell
My world is black and white now
My shadow is the only person I see
All these times
When the darkness overwhelm me
When the cold is too much to take
Where were you?
All those worthless moments lost
Forever lost in the abyss
Tired of living in memories
Playing like a recorded tape
Over and over again
Like a ceaseless torture
Sick of looking outside the window
To see the painless rain
Falling down from the roof
So easily
Without any sorrow
Looking all around
Just to realize that I am alone
I wanted so much to cry
But my tears are dried
Would you cry for me please?

Time taken : 6 hours or so
Tools : Photoshop CS
Reference pic : stock photo from misc site

Note: I took this stock photo off the net and i do not know the original owner of it. If you do , please let me know so i can give credit for the photo. Thank u. Full View of the picture here : http://img64.imageshack.us/img64/3783/cryformeplsfinalcut8kv.jpg
J. at 15/05/06 5:40 AM | 0 comments

The Void

It's been so long since I put down my pencil, pick up the cell and ring people up. Been so long since I have been to the void. The void is an endless passage of absolute nothing , nothing at all. Going through places I do not usually have the keys to. Looking at the faces of empty expression , faces of absolute nothing-ness. As if it's a crime; a sin to be anything but empty. Somebody came along and ask what I seek. What am I seeking ? I know not. Do the people alongside me know? They know not. It's been so long since I'm in the void , I forgot the way out. It's like we're seeking for a needle in the void. She said this way out , he said that other way. But the key master is confused, he does not know which key belongs to which door. After going through hours of emptiness, absolute nothing, nothing at all. A door opens on it own. It's bright light blinds us. We walk right through it , the door which lead us out. FINALLY.

I'm glad I have you guys with me. Glad I am not alone in this. I owe this day to you guys. You know who you are, don't you ?

J. at 07/05/06 11:31 AM | 0 comments

The beginning of all endings

The look in my eyes
Wild fire burning within
She looks up at me and whisper
That this is the last

My promises ever so broken
A love so demanding
The passion forever weakening
Our worlds world apart

Things I don't belong with
Places that we used to be
Time lost in my hands
Slipping through like sand

The last time we are seen
Brought back nothing but pain
Her last words were
Heaven is no where near here

10 years down the road
Where am I without you
You are calling another name
While I am still reminiscing about
The beginning of all endings

J. at 05/05/06 6:55 AM | 0 comments

Miyavi 2

J. at 30/04/06 2:31 PM | 0 comments

Away

She pours water over my head in my sleep
Set ablaze the flame within me
Thinking that I might not notice
Her mind is set
Our story is history
Those signs she is showing
Looks like we are not going to last
This place lacks of her presence
The scent she use to taint the place
I can't remember the day
I woke up in bed with a hangover
Finding no one else except my shadow
And a note on my table
Saying that 'You never had time for me' excuses thing
Is that all you have left for me ?
That day you went away


J. at 22/04/06 6:34 AM | 0 comments

Regrets

It's been such a long while
Such a long while since I was reminded of you
Those old photos of yours I threw away
Seems to be calling out to me
Those sick love songs playing on air
Tears jerking romance on Television
So tired of waking up by your call
None else matters now
If one of us had noticed back then
Would it be different now ?
My life has never been colorless without you
Always and never
Never
That last kiss so unforgettable
Those tender lips so painfully sweet
Whatever you said you can't forget of me
Oh tell me now darling'
Who's regret is it now ?

Note: Carrine , this is specially for u. Ask that fat ass to move on or SOMEBODY else will do it for him.

J. at 18/04/06 1:02 PM | 0 comments

LSS Chap 13

Note: LSS series is coming to an end soon . It's about time isn't it ? It's been around for quite some time. The scan could be fixed and cleaned up more but J. is kinda lazy and he wanted to retain it's originality anyway. J. would like to thank the boys for steering him into the right direction , serious advice guys , thank u JF and Quan. Also to Miss Stef for your words on boring doodle. He needed that.
This way please. Yeah; sure.
J. at 09/04/06 3:47 PM | 0 comments

Beautiful Dawn

"You'd have to be a first-degree fool to fall for a woman whom returns from the dead only to put a gun to your face"

                        Love Hurts...

- Payne Max


I opened my eyes in the embrace of the beautiful dawn, the image is as ironic as it seems. My head hurts as bad as a train wreck , the bandages feel like it needed to be changed or an infection will occur and pry the life out of me. I popped a few painkillers hoping to stop the pain , no , was it a few bottles ? I can't seems to remember. It must be the painkillers , or was it Mona ? Speaking of which , where is she ?

The last thing I can ever remember was her pointing that silver metal onto my head. Something must be wrong with me , maybe it's the illusions I'm getting from the painkillers? I can't seems to fix the pieces of puzzle together , everything's a mess now. My life seems to be only filled with guns , painkillers , bullets and Mona. Mona , I needed her even more than my pills now. I'm relying on her too much. Perhaps they are right , she completes me. Completely ruined me...

Note: The following was not from the game Max Payne 2. J. wrote it after completing the game. You gotta love the way they made it like a graphic novel. Love , vengenace and a man with nothing to lose. Inspiring game indeed.

J. at 08/04/06 1:37 PM | 0 comments

LSS Chap 12

12. Tears No More





Be With Me , A film by Eric Khoo.

Note: J. must admit that this took him ages to find. Well , it's worth the finding thou , it inspired some of his newer works lately. It's one of the best film by Eric Khoo and J. would like his viewers to give this film a try too.

"Stay With Me Darlin' "
J. at 04/04/06 11:32 AM | 0 comments

Because

The day seems so long somehow
It seems so long since I last saw you
Your beautiful face has hardly change
Nothing could taint your flawless gentleness
Those sweet scented hair
Flowing ever so smoothly
Tell me my darling
Do the flowers surrounds your path ?
Do the birds sing for you ?
Do the wind adore you ?
And does everything smile in your presence?
But..
Is it because
Because...
Of those enchanting blue eyes?

Note: I know it , you're gonna say there's love smitten all over this but no dear , there isn't. Besides , this isn't really for anybody in particular. Somebody else is in love anyway, lover boy anyone ?
J. at 03/04/06 4:42 PM | 0 comments